What you “DO” vs who you “are”
{ IDENTITY: RADICAL REDIRECTION STEP 2 }
“Hi, it’s great to meet you! Tell me a bit about yourself…”
Like most first meetings, my initial consultations begin with introductions. However, I don’t actually find out who my client really is until I begin working with them - and sometimes, not even in the first session.
Why is that?
Well, when we’re asked about ourselves, the answer we typically give is related to what we do. “I’m a manager,” “I’m an artist,” “I’m a mom,” “I’m a software developer,” “I’m an acupuncturist” - these all describe what a person DOES. But not who he or she is.
Why do I make this distinction?
Because what a person DOES never fully describes who the person IS. You’re not just a manager. You do the job of a manager for 40, 45, maybe 60 or more hours a week, but what about the rest of the time? Likewise, you’re not just a mother; you’re also a daughter, a friend, a family member, the list goes on. You’re so much more. Right? But this is where people get stuck. When asked further (“no, not what you do - who are you?”), most of us slow down and start thinking of the right answer… and many of us will have trouble coming up with one.
So let’s talk about who and what you are.
What you are not
First, who am I to tell you that?! So you’ll have to figure this out for yourself. But here are some hints: you are probably not your job. You’re probably not your work, or your title, or your status. These things describe parts of you, facets of you. Your effort, your goals, your relationships, your commitments and responsibilities. They’re all important, but they’re not the full picture. And - they’re not innate to you. Not innate means: these things, qualities, skills, and positions came into your life from outside yourself.
What words do you use to describe yourself now that come from “outside” yourself? What parts of your identity did you acquire over time?
What you are
This is what IS innate to you. Your core. Your truth. What you’re born with. You come into this world with your unique core, your soul. You may have forgotten, or pushed aside, or your brain hid it away after a traumatic event - but the core is still there, it’s always there. It has always been there. Your one-of-a-kind inner self.
It’s your innermost identity. Your natural strengths. (Not the skills you’ve learned, but the skills and talents that have always come naturally to you, even when you were little.) Your values, the real ones, not the ones imposed by society. Your passions. Where your heart lies. This - all of this is YOU. All of it. It’s a lot! And it can be hard to describe, yes. It’s pretty tough to just go ahead and list out your strengths, values, passions, and parts of identity when asked who you are. You also may not be able to encompass all of YOU in one word. That’s okay. Because you are complex and multifaceted. Like a gemstone. It’s hard to describe a gemstone in one word (other than its name), just like it’s hard to describe yourself in just one word.
Sit with this idea for a bit. Think about your values, passions, and natural talents for a moment. See if it feels good to recognize yourself like this. Remember this feeling for later.
Why this is important
The way we talk about ourselves reinforces what we believe about ourselves. A thought that gets repeated gets cemented in the brain. The more we use “what we do” to describe “who we are,” the more our brain gets used to that idea being the truth.
But, like we discussed above, it’s not. Not the full truth.
Now your brain believes that the most important aspect of you is being a software engineer (for example). Your brain sees your job as the largest part of your identity. On good days, it feels fine. However, on days when work is not going too well, your subconscious will perceive it as “I’m not doing great as a software engineer today. I’m not good enough.” The job has taken up too much space in your brain’s understanding of your identity, and now anything that negatively affects the job will also be a hit to your identity.
In other words, the brain has created a strong association between the job and your value as a person.
“Since this is what I am, I must be bad” on tough days. Instead of valuing your innate self, your subconscious values your performance at work. “Since this is what I am, and I want to be good and loved, I must do better as a software engineer to get love.”
This leads to emotional attachment to work. Then, to increased stress and decreased ability to separate yourself from your job. Eventually, your subconscious will want to work harder and harder and harder to prove to yourself that you have value.
Ultimately, this pattern results in low self-worth, low confidence, and burnout.
What emotions arise in you as your read through this? Acknowledge what you’re feeling right now. What is your intuition trying to tell you right now?
Where is your focus?
Focusing on your innate qualities is always better for self-worth than focusing on a job, or on any single activity. Your job might not be there next week, but your innate qualities and strengths will be there no matter what.
Seeing yourself primarily as your job title sets you up with a shaky foundation. Everything you build on top might come crumbling one day. Your core, your soul, is always a better foundation for your self-worth, identity, and self-image than anything you “do.”
Let’s run a quick diagnostic test on your inner foundation. We’ll use your values for this.
During a typical day, do you tend to care more about: how much you do/get done, or how you feel/whether you’re okay?
If you notice that you focus more on how much you get done (and: try to do more, worry about your to-do list or calendar, try to squeeze in another task or chore, berate yourself for not doing enough, feel negatively about not contributing enough, feel relieved when you get through everything on your list) - then you value what you do over who you are.
If you notice that you focus more on how you feel (and: take breaks when you’re tired, feel confident and calm, know when to say “no,” get frustrated with tasks but not with yourself) - then you value your innate self over what you do.
What did you notice? Maybe it’s not entirely clear right now, and that’s okay. Keep noticing, come back to this tomorrow, or next week, and see what thoughts and feelings are predominant during a typical day.
How to switch focus from what you do to what you are
In order to build that strong foundation of SELF, you first need to truly “meet” yourself!
This means: switching focus from what you do to what you are. Doing this involves a major mindset shift. Rewiring the brain to recognize your innate qualities, talents, and values by default instead of seeing your job as your default. It might take time. But it will feel good.
I didn’t “meet” myself until my late twenties. Luckily, it’s never too late to meet yourself. Your true core will always be there, waiting. And your soul will be so happy once you take the time to meet yourself and recognize yourself for everything you are!
4 Ways to “meet yourself”
1. Journal about you
Sit with yourself somewhere comfy and pleasant, and write everything you know about YOU. Perhaps it’s easier to start with your job, titles, relationships, or accomplishments, but once you get through that list, try to dig deeper. What are you really good at? What are your character strengths? What are some of your unique, interesting traits? What do you love doing? What’s important to you? What do you believe in? What’s true for you? This can take just 10-15 minutes, or it can be a half-day personal retreat in a coffee shop or park. Perhaps it will take several Saturdays over the course of a few weeks. Either way - make it enjoyable. Make a point of getting to know yourself in a positive way.
2. Identity bubble exercise
On a piece of paper, begin writing words that describe you (supervisor, daughter, sage, partner, woman in tech, artist, sister, mentor, fashionista, traveler). Space them out all over the page. As you write each word, draw a circle around it, and make the circle as large as that part of your identity feels. Perhaps “partner” will be the largest circle. Perhaps “mother.” There might be many really small circles with pieces of your identity that are still really important. Perhaps you’ll notice that some circles are bigger than they should be, and perhaps some small circles should actually be much larger. See where this exercise takes you and what it reveals.
3. “What I love” list
This is one of my favorites! Make a list of activities you love (hiking, reading in the park, sipping caramel mochas, getting a manicure, taking dancing classes, doing sudoku puzzles). They can be big or small. Then, try picking one of these activities a day and giving yourself the “present” of doing it. Make a promise to yourself to allow yourself this joy. The more you show yourself love through simple rewards like this, the more your inner self will gain confidence and show up in daily life.
4. Affirming self
Once you know the different parts of your identity, your strengths, and the things you love, affirm them throughout the day, just by saying a true and positive statement to yourself in your head. Repeating a thought cements it in your brain. “I am creative,” “I am a kind soul.” Maybe you’re walking from one meeting to another, and you think to yourself: “I am a great leader.” Maybe you’re looking in the bathroom mirror and you say: “I love makeup.” These affirming statements can be very simple. They just must be positive and feel true. The more you get in the habit of doing this, the more your soul will feel recognized and valued.
These exercises are just the beginning. Learning about yourself can be a life-long journey. I invite you to try any one of these that call to you and see what you find, what you feel, and what ideas come as a result. The rest is up to you.
Identity, mental health, and self-worth are major topics in all of my coaching programs. If you’re interested in diving deeper into who you are, how you show up at work, avoiding burnout, and improving your confidence - reach out to me to discuss how we can work together!
