Leadership in Times of Change Part 2: Sustainable, Healthy, and Generous Leadership starts with you
This is a message for anyone in a tough leadership position. Anyone who’s amidst a crisis. Anyone who cares about other people, and wants to help as much as they possibly can. Who is trying their best to hold everything together, but is on the verge of breaking down on the inside.
This is what I needed to hear when I was in a leadership role: burning out, mental health declining, giving my all to serving my team while trying to get everything done. The tasks must get done, but everyone else’s stress levels and mental health took priority. And mine.. mine was the last on the list. I’m strong, after all. I’m a leader, therefore I must suck it up and bear it and be strong for everyone else. Right?
This is for you - driven, compassionate, self-reliant dreamer with a big heart and an even bigger vision. I see you, I am you. Here’s my open letter to you.
The destructive nature of modern leadership
Somehow, we were led to believe that the most noble leadership is selfless. That leading others means serving them first. “Good leaders put the needs of others before their own…”
I say: this is a vicious lie aimed at keeping you small.
Why? Because if you’re following this advice and consistently pouring out your energy, giving it to everyone and everything without taking care of yourself first, you simply burn out.
There’s nothing noble about burning out.
There’s nothing beneficial, remarkable, or praiseworthy about burning the candle at both ends, ignoring your own needs, and sacrificing your wellbeing for your team’s or the project’s benefit.
Yet we were taught that self-sacrifice is our job. And we get what we get: unprecedented burnout rates, staggering statistics of autoimmune disease, and rapidly increasing prescriptions to manage our rapidly declining mental health.
I work with women who have big hearts and big missions. Part of their mission is usually around effecting positive change in their workplace. They pursue higher leadership roles not so much for their own pay and status, but to be in a position to help as many people as possible. They have a vision of a better world in mind, and they’re selflessly devoting themselves to it.
And they’re told, again and again and again, that to be a good leader means taking care of themselves last. So they do. All day, every day. Overtime. If there’s something they need - oh, it’s fine, it can wait. “I can wait, everyone else cannot.”
When they come to work with me, the first thing we do is UN-learn this destructive belief.
Leadership & self Care
Leadership starts with the self. Self care, self knowledge, self trust, self growth. A leader who puts others before self risks becoming a martyr. A leader who truly cares about their people fills their own cup first.
Leadership is impossible from a place of depletion. Depletion can be more than physical tiredness: it can be spiritual hunger, emotional exhaustion, or mental overload.
We see fewer options when we’re low. Our stress tolerance is lower when we’re drained. Withstanding stress requires strength: and not just will power or resilience, but also nourishment and fullness. A battery charged up to 100%.
Being there for others requires more than just evenness of emotions (often suppressed for the sake of the other) - it needs us to be able to see the big picture, the bird’s eye view. And seeing the bird’s eye view is not possible when we’re exhausted or stuck in rumination. Creative solutions and big ideas present themselves only when we’re resourced and rested. Compassion is only possible when we’re regulated.
Helping the people around us begins with self leadership. If I can lead myself through difficulty (without bypassing my emotions, stifling fears, or neglecting needs), then I can lead others. This is truly the prerequisite for leadership: the ability to lead yourself. Otherwise, the whole foundation crumbles.
You’ve most likely felt it: the shaky foundation of a team whose leaders aren’t taking care of themselves. They can try to reinforce the structure with “outer support beams” (holding themselves together, putting on a brave face, smiling through fear), but it won’t hold. The stress of the leader, no matter how well they try to hide it, seeps into the rest of the team. The cracks start to show.
There’s nothing sustainable about neglecting yourself while trying to help others. We give from what we have. Making sure I have enough is the best thing I can do for them. It’s the first step.
Then I can work on expanding my capacity: be able to listen to people in distress without it affecting me, offer compassion and warmth without pushing my agenda, get my work done AND hold space for others AND think ahead. The greater my energetic capacity, the more I can serve others. The more I’m able to steer the company. The more I can alter the future.
No, not selfish - generous
The common advice to put the needs of others before your own exploits the goodness of your heart. The women leaders I’ve worked with care so much about the world, about their team, about the planet. They want to do what’s best. They want to be as helpful as they can be.
So “put others first” takes advantage of that, leading you to believe that if you don’t, you’re “bad.” Selfish, immoral, or at the very least - unfit for leadership.
Once again, this is a belief aimed at keeping you small.
“But isn’t it selfish to put myself first?”
There’s a big difference between “every person for themselves” and “give from overflow.” Resources (including money, energy, time, and health) are a multiplier on the person: a generous and kind-hearted person will not be corrupted by more money - they’ll find ways of spreading it to others. An empathetic visionary will not become lazy or self-centered if they increase their energy. Money, energy, health, mental flexibility, emotional capacity - these are all our resources. Taking care of yourself increases your resources so that you can exercise your compassion and problem solving ability to the fullest. You give from overflow, and everyone wins.
“Not enough resources to go around” is an illusion. More resources for me does not equal fewer for someone else. We raise each other up, there’s more for all - but only when our own individual foundation is strong.
Taking care of your foundation (physical health, mental health, emotional capacity, energy, money, sleep, nourishment, social connection, play) is the first step in mindful leadership. Helping others with their foundations is the next. Generosity flows from an abundance of resources. When you’re emotionally, mentally, and physically resourced, your care is genuine, not desperate. Your leadership feels sturdy and reliable, not shaky.
First: your energetic and emotional foundation. Then helping your team with theirs. Only when this base level is covered, can we truly begin to focus on solutions, innovation, and ways forward.
Stay tuned for Part 3: becoming your strongest Self
How to take care of your needs, how to define self-care for yourself, and how to build a solid inner foundation from which to impact the world
AND:
I’m hosting a free 2-part workshop on finding your identity outside of work and re-defining what leadership means to you.
April 25 + 27, read more and register here.
Hi, I’m Kat!
I help women in leadership overcome stress & burnout, balancing their mission and their wellbeing
If career longevity is your priority, if your leadership role is helping you impact people the way you’ve always wanted - let’s work together to ensure that you’re filling your cup first, replenishing your energy, and giving from overflow.
I support women in demanding roles through custom one-on-one coaching for your specific needs and goals.
FIND OUT MORE here
Browse these other free resources while you’re here:
➛ If you’re not sure who you can be outside of your current job/career:
Article & thought exercise: “What You ‘DO’ vs Who You ‘ARE’”
(And why basing your identity on your job title is harmful in the long run!)
➛ If you’re ready to redirect your life & career but aren’t sure where to begin:
Free Masterclass: Radical Redirection: How to follow your heart with practical steps!
A pre-recorded 90 minute workshop on the 7 ingredients of redirection and how to apply them to your life.
➛ If you’re feeling stuck, frustrated, busy but not getting where you want to go in life:
Free Guide: How to Get Unstuck from Just About Anything
A step-by-step guide to diagnose WHY you’re stuck and give you fresh ideas to find your way!
