BIGGER THAN FEAR
If you struggle with procrastination, if you have some big goals that it’s been hard to make progress on, if you find yourself facing the same big challenge again and again - I see you, I was you, and I wrote this for you.
SCARY, SCARY THINGS
When I first started my business, every action was new to me, and everything was a lesson. But there were some stand-out things that were extra difficult. As in, “pulling teeth” level of difficult. Painful, terrifying, and paralyzing.
One such thing was writing legal documents. I had bought some legal templates for contracts, disclaimers, and terms & conditions from a lawyer who specializes in these things. The templates were designed to be simple: all I had to do was listen to the audio guide and fill out my information in a few key areas of the documents. So simple. Plenty of instructions. Would take no more than a few hours.
But it felt so SCARY. What if.. I do a part of it wrong anyway? What if I make a tiny mistake, and then get sued many years later because of it? Also, if I finish this, that means I’m legally protected… and now have no excuses for really starting my business in earnest. Which was a big step for me at that time.
And so I put off finishing those legal documents for… nearly a year!
Looking back though, it seems so silly that a few fill-in-the-blank pages were such a scary thing to tackle. “Really, that used to be scary?” But it was. The reality at the time was: I was very intimidated by that task, as illogical as that sounds.
When it comes to our emotions, logic just doesn’t stand a chance. We can’t alter our emotions with logic. This is why understanding why we feel a certain way doesn’t do much to help with the feeling itself. Logic will never win over emotions.
And of emotions, fear is one of the strongest ones. There are many flavors of fear: worry, anxiety, resistance, perfectionism, procrastination, avoidance. All of these stem from some kind of fear.
For me in 2021, recently self-employed and new at everything in business, fear was a common emotion. Moreover, it was a frequent emotional state of being: how I went through my day, how I did everything, the “atmosphere” in the background that colored every aspect of my day-to-day experience.
And I got to experience so many flavors of fear, not realizing it was fear underneath all of it. Self-doubt, heavy resistance to simple tasks, putting them off all day, wanting everything to be correct. Most days, I’d fill my hours with “important” chores and tasks, but avoid the one big task that I really want and need to do. The one big task that would propel me forward, make me feel accomplished, and help my business grow - that one gets pushed off to the next day, the next week, the next month.
At that time in my life, I didn’t know what I know now about emotional states of being, and didn’t realize that, each and every day, I’m operating from a place of fear. And fear, being a really strong emotion, always wins over logic. And so I fought myself, logic versus fear, without realizing it, all day. And my progress was painfully slow! Which only added to my inner turmoil and endless frustration.
MY FAVORITE WAYS TO OVERCOME FEAR
There are many ways to tackle fear. Over the last few years, I did a deep dive into all of these topics: procrastination, perfectionism, inner criticism, resistance, avoidance, self-doubt. I found that there are many ways to overcome fear (which is encouraging!), but my favorite ways are the ones that help you rise above it.
What does it mean to rise above an emotion?
It means: to become a person with a bigger energetic capacity, for whom the emotion in question is no longer such a big issue. To have so much emotional capacity that you’re able to hold space for this emotion, but move forward with ease anyway.
I want to share one of these ways with you today.
You probably know exactly why a big task that you’re putting off is scary. It’s probably really big, important, complex. It probably needs to be really good (or needs to be a “certain way” to be successful). It’s probably scary because you either don’t know how it’ll turn out, or because you don’t want it to turn out poorly.
This all makes sense! We want to do our best.
Here’s the thing. The longer you put off the “Big Task,” the bigger the “monster” becomes. The fear swells with time. Have you experienced this? I have. As weeks go by, it’s scarier and scarier to pick it up. Harder and harder to make myself sit down and do it.
But eventually, I would reach a snapping point and I would do it. Make the phone call. Respond to the email. Sit and have a focused two hours to plan out the project. Do some (time-constrained) research and make an informed choice.
And each time, huh… it wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t so bad! But I didn’t think much of it. Laugh about it with my husband (“huh, once again - it wasn’t that scary to actually do it!”) but not dig any deeper.
I missed a vital step.
Each time I gathered enough energy (because courage is energy) to do the Big Task, and sat down, and did it - I PROVED to myself that it’s not too scary for me. The monster is not too big. I can slay the monster. I’m strong enough. I have the right sword and shield. The tools. The resources. The knowledge. I can do it.
But I missed the last step: reflecting back on the battle to collect experience points.
Each time, I was PROVING to myself that I can do it, but the PROOF didn’t “save” in my brain. Didn’t register. I laughed it off, brushed it off as “nothing,” “no big deal” - after all, such a “small task” had no business being so scary! So it’s silly to celebrate finishing it. It’s silly to acknowledge the fight. This battle was “too small” - it doesn’t count towards my final score.
And so my score stayed at 0.
Here’s one way to increase your energetic capacity to help yourself overcome fear:
Gather and acknowledge ALL the proof that you can do big and scary things.
Praise yourself internally, with your self-talk. Take some time at the end of the day to say to yourself: “wow, I did it! Here’s what I did today: …” Journal about it. Record every “small” (ahem, BIG) thing that you tackle on a daily or weekly basis. At the end of the month: what big things did you tackle? What changes have you made? At the end of the year: what was scary and new in January, but is easy and natural now?
Taking inventory of ALL of your achievements is the key to building confidence that helps you rise above fear.
Parents do this for children all the time, every day: “Yay, you did it! You took a step, you threw a ball, you built a block fortress, you got dressed all by yourself!” And you know what? Kids who hear these things from their parents grow and learn SO fast. So fast! They do their scary new things, get praise for ANY outcome, and collect evidence in their complex internal neural network: I can do it, and it’s not too bad, and I get a positive response no matter the outcome.
As adults, learning and growing is harder when no one is there to tell us these things.
“You got your laundry done! Good job!”
“You cooked a healthy meal for yourself, yay!”
“You keep your place so clean, wow!”
“You went to the gym twice this week, that’s amazing!”
Does this sound silly? Notice, if so. Why does it sound silly? Because these things are “small” and insignificant? Because “everyone” does them? Because we’re all expected to do them anyway?
What about this then:
“You launched a business, oh my goodness!”
“You figured out how to legally protect your LLC in your state, great job!”
“You spoke in front of a live audience of hundreds of people, wow!”
“You created a system for contributing $2K per month to your investments so that you can retire a millionaire, yay!”
Are these things better than the first list? Bigger, more significant? Maybe - but they can be the EXACT SAME level of SCARY. And here’s the thing: if you don’t first recognize your “small” monster slayings, it’ll be so much harder to tackle the bigger ones.
Because “small” and “big” are subjective. Small for you might be big for me. Easy for me now was difficult for me 2 years ago.
Taking inventory of ALL of your wins, successes, efforts, accomplishments, crossed-off to-do items, new habits, life changes - recognizing yourself for all of it, no matter the outcome, is the key to growing bigger than your fear.
A superhero wakes up in the morning fully believing: “I can save the fckng world today if I have to.” This is a result of day after day after day after day of positive reinforcement, or proof, that she can.
I’ve trained myself to wake up in the morning with new beliefs. About business, about entrepreneurship, about myself. “I can speak to and improvise in front of hundreds of people today if I have to.”
But I only got here because I started keeping track of evidence that I can: dial up and speak to an attorney, create a legally-binding contract, open up a new bank account, write a website from scratch, cook 3 meals a day, run a mile 5 times a week, publish 1 blog post.
You can do big and scary things. You already do big and scary things. You’ve always done big and scary things.
You just need to pause, notice, and recognize EVERY scary monster you slay to see how brave, strong, and capable you are.
AND WHAT IF NOT?
What if you’ve read to this point and you can’t remember ANY significant evidence of yourself winning a battle? (“This battle doesn’t count towards my final score!” - remember? If it doesn’t count, your score will stay at zero. Make it count. Count it anyway.)
But here’s what I’d suggest:
What’s a Big Task in front of you? Identify one. Create one, if need be. If it’s complex, break it down into subtasks.
Do one thing for it first thing in the morning. First thing. Wake up earlier if you must. Do one thing for it. Spend one hour on it (time yourself!) Do this daily. Until it’s done.
And each time you do it, record it. Journal, phone, sticky note. Tell yourself in your head: I did it. I slayed the monster today. I’m strong enough to do it today, I’m strong enough to do it tomorrow.
Make it a project for yourself: building up a body of evidence that you can do big and scary things.
Your courage & energy WILL grow if you do this. Just like our muscles grow if we’re consistent at the gym.
And that’s all our energetic capacity really needs. Consistent effort and positive reinforcement. And we rise above our doubts, worries, problems, and fears.
If you want to explore this further or tackle a specific situation you’re in, maybe a particular Big Task that’s been looming on the horizon, and you could use an experienced general to help you plan out your battle - I’m at your service! I’d love to help you strategize and figure out how to make progress towards a big & important goal inside a 90-minute Strategy Session.
This time of year is perfect for it: whether it’s physical fitness goals, career goals, work/life re-balancing, or simply setting intentions of how you want your 2024 to be different. Email me here if you want to start your year powerfully! Or book a free consultation call through this form:
Overcoming fear is a huge topic, and this article only went into one possible avenue for dealing with it. I love helping my clients tackle their fears, inner criticism, self-doubt, low confidence, limiting beliefs, and all kinds of other internal challenges - inside my 1:1 coaching program, Radical Redirection.
If you’re ready to make huge life changes, such as: switching careers, starting a business, pursuing higher leadership roles, or if you’re feeling stuck and want to re-design your entire life - you’re ready for Radical Redirection! Email me to talk more about it.
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